The Speed of Smeg
by Eileen
Summary: Crossover. A timedrive malfunction brings the Dwarfers to 20thcentury Manchester, Alabama, and a young speedster who's just beginning an eventful life journey.


THE SPEED OF SMEG

(A Red Dwarf/Impulse Crossover)

_Disclaimer: Red Dwarf and all related characters are property of Grant Naylor Productions. Impulse and all related characters are property of DC Comics. No profit is being made from the use of these characters and settings._

_(Author's Note: This is a story I started over six years ago on a Yahoo Group. I'm hoping to continue it soon! Go to http:// groups. yahoo. com/ group/ thespeedofsmeg/ to see more!)_

No one was ever really clear how it happened, though they all agreed it was Rimmer's fault.

"Me? Why me?" the indignant Second Technician protested.

"Well, you were the one," said Dave Lister, "who nicked the time drive in the first place."

"I only wanted a look at the Battle of Waterloo! Not even up close, just a glimpse from over the hill! It was Kryten who smegged up the settings!"

"Beg pardon, sir," the Series 4000 Mechanoid interjected, "but Mr. Cat wanted to take a side trip to a brothel in Victorian London."

"Hey, a guy has needs, y'know?" was Cat's only response.

"So," said Kristine Kochanski, "instead of taking you to Victorian London, the time drive dropped you off in 20th-century Manchester, Alabama."

"That's about it," said Lister. "What's in Manchester, Alabama?"

All four winced. Rimmer finally answered, "The most annoying little git this side of Lister."

"Heeeeey!" Lister protested.

"He's right," Cat said.

"Oh, come on! No one can be that--" Kochanski started to say, but was interrupted by a look from  
Lister.

"Perhaps if I showed you the visual records, ma'am," Kryten offered. He made some clicking mechanical noises, and his chest plate showed the image of four people materializing in a field beside a dirt road, that was clearly NOT London.

---Visual Record, Kryten 2X4B 523P---

"No way is this London," Lister said.

"Really?" Rimmer mocked him. "What was your first clue—the lack of Indian restaurants?"

"According to the readings," Kryten announced, "we have landed in July, 1999, in Manchester, Alabama."

"So what?" asked Lister.

"This place does have girls, right?" Cat demanded.

Rimmer looked over the time drive despite the fact that he didn't understand a single thing about it. "Kryten, what have you done to the damn machine this time?"

"I haven't done anything, sir. The machine brought us here on its own."

"But what's so special about Manfred, Arizona?" Cat asked.

"Manchester, Alabama," Kryten corrected him. "Apart from being the site of a minor Civil War battle, Manchester has one claim to fame . . ."

A sudden wind came up, nearly knocking all of them off their feet. Lister was just able to  
make out a streak of red flashing past at incredible speed.

" . . . and he just went by," Kryten finished.

"What the hell was that?" demanded Rimmer.

Lister had a look of what could almost be described as awe on his face. "Was that who I think it was?"

"That was a person?" Cat was a bit behind the rest of them (nothing new in that).

"There was this guy, who got hit by lightning or something, and became the fastest  
thing on two legs. They wrote up a comic book about him. I used to have every issue--he was my favorite, after Superman. I told you about me and Superman?"

"Yes, yes." Rimmer didn't want to waste any time on Lister's ridiculous theories about having super-powers, just because he was adopted as Superman was. Lister claimed that because he'd been found under a pool table, he'd always had supernatural luck at that very table. "Pool-Table-Man, indeed."

"Mister Lister is correct, to a point," Kryten said. "The hero of which he speaks was--is--called the Flash, third in a line of heroes of the same name. But this isn't him. Not quite."

"Then what are we standing around here for?" Cat cried out impatiently. "I wanna get to the deflowering part!"

"Cat, the time drive's busted again, and we can't fix it until we find out what's goin' on here," Lister  
explained. He turned back to Kryten. "So if it's not the Flash, who is it?"

"His grandson."

It took a moment for that to sink in. "Hang on, hang on, what grandson?"

"His name is Bart Allen. Grandson of the second Flash, Barry Allen."

"But he only died a couple of years ago, didn't he? Comic time? How'd he have time to have kids?"

Rimmer was getting very annoyed. "Kryten, would you please explain to those of us who don't have two brain cells to rub together what the hell it is you're talking about?"

Lister gave him a dirty look. Cat was too busy looking for girls to notice.

"Ah, yes." Kryten reduced his explanation to the simplest terms. "Barry and Iris Allen died here, in the 20th century. However, after their deaths, they were reunited in the 30th century."

"How?" Cat asked.

"By drawing on Speed Force energy . . ." Kryten began, before he remembered who he was talking to. "Magic," he said.

"So they settled down, had kids, and lived long and happy lives?" asked Lister.

"Er—not exactly."

"What, they had a few years together, at least?"

Kryten looked guilty. "A month."

"All that for a month?" Lister raised an eyebrow. "Must've been a hell ofa month."

Kryten continued. "Iris had two children, twins, a boy and a girl, who then went on to have  
children of their own. Then they, too, died."

"Does everybody die in this story?" Cat demanded.

Kryten ignored him. "Thus, Bart Allen is the son of Don Allen, son of Barry Allen."

"Ah," said Rimmer. It was what he usually said when he hadn't the smeggiest idea what was happening but wanted to look as if he did. "Wait a minute--if Little Whirlwind was born in the  
30th century, what's he doing here?"

Kryten sighed. "Due to Bart's hypermetabolism--"

"HyperWHATalism?" interjected the Cat.

"His body was literally aging at the speed of light. By age 2, he looked well over 12."

"That's a neat trick," said Lister.

"And a dangerous one. Had he continued, he would have died of old age within the decade, if not sooner. So Iris used a secret time-travel device to bring him to the 20th century, to the one person she knew could help. The Flash."

"But he's dead!" said the Cat.

"Not him!" said Lister. "The next one! The one who's running around now!"

"Precisely, sir," said Kryten. "She expected that he would be able to halt Bart's rapid aging, and he did. And Bart has since settled here, and taken on the superheroic identity of  
Impulse."

"There's just one thing I don't understand," the Cat said.

"What?" asked Kryten.

"What happened to the girls?"


End file.
